Unfettered Faith

2024 was a year that was full of challenges, victories, and lessons learned. Boy, did I learn a lot. Though in the moment, it didn’t always seem like “learning”. The clarity came after the fact, as it so often does. I call these my “look back lessons”. When you stand at the top of a mountain that you climbed, you can see the path that got you there. But while you’re hiking it, you only see what’s directly around you. The same is true of our path in life. So as I look back over the past year, I can see where I started… heartbroken and alone, struggling to find my new normal. I can see my journey… working toward forgiveness and strengthening my faith, but also falling victim to many setbacks and valleys. I can see my current location… calm and steady, sifting through the lessons learned and celebrating the triumphs over darkness. I’d categorize my major accomplishments as follows…

Forgiveness

This year, I reluctantly made a decision that, while necessary, also put me back in direct contact with a person who caused a great deal of pain in my life. I told myself that I was healed enough from my pain, and that God would help with whatever was leftover. Prayer and determination were going to be the winning combination for a smooth, seamless transition. It wasn’t until after the decision was made that I realized I was grossly mistaken about the progress I had made. I had processed and worked through so much while having no contact and minimal reminders of the pain. I have a bad habit of what I call “emotional amnesia”. When something/someone hurts me, I erase all traces of it/them from my life. It’s a rather unhealthy coping mechanism, but fairly effective. When you can live your life without triggers of the pain, things become much easier. I had only been healing the surface of my wound. The inside was still open and raw, but without real triggers to force that pain to the surface, I was walking a false path of accomplishment. When I had to come face to face with my hurt, I was forced to accept that I was in much worse shape than I allowed myself to believe. I told myself that I would be kind and fair. But I was bitter and angry. Hurt and offended. Confused and lost. Vindictive and spiteful. I prayed and prayed for God to help me forgive, and for God to forgive me. I asked for help to let go of the bad feelings. I asked for Him to help me carry the anxiety and pain. Over and over. I found a fantastic book called Forgiving What You Can’t Forget which was a massive help. It helped me ask questions that I didn’t even know I needed to ask in order to understand my feelings and reactions. It helped me find a better understanding of what it truly means to forgive, and how the lack of forgiveness can weigh so heavily on our spirit. 

“Forgiveness isn’t an act of my determination. Forgiveness is only made possible by my cooperation.”

-Lysa Terkeurst

My journey was slow and painstaking. Every inch I moved toward letting go of my negative feelings felt grueling, and then I would backslide and find myself right back in a festering pit of bitterness and anger. It was disheartening at times, and often left me questioning whether I was making any progress at all, or if I would ever actually be able to forgive. My look back lesson was that forgiveness isn’t a one-time thing. For simple things, maybe. But for the big stuff… the stuff that causes real harm… you have to actively work at it. It’s so much more than just saying the words. You have to take the time to evaluate your feelings. Why you feel the way you do and where those feelings come from. You have to understand who you are and what you’re forgiving. I didn’t just need to forgive one hurt. There were hundreds. From the things that were said and done to the pain they caused to the loss of a future that would never be. The loss of trust, in myself and in others. The doubt of happiness existing again. Those things don’t vanish b/c you say a prayer. You have to continue to face them, every single day. You acknowledge them and own them, and then hand them over to God. Every. Day. And then you have to stop yourself from sabotaging, which is incredibly challenging. You have to retrain your own mind to stop journeying down paths that feed your pain. You have to learn to silence thoughts that would cause harm. And you have to actively work to replace those thoughts with positive ones. I won’t venture to say that I’ve mastered forgiveness, but I can see how far I have come and I’m super proud of that progress. I am also more graceful with myself b/c now I understand that “backsliding” isn’t a failure. It’s a normal part of the process.

• 2024 was a year for learning to forgive. 

Discernment 

I did a lot of reflection this year on myself and my choices. Choices that have largely led to pain and heartache. Choices I have been making for years. To put it bluntly, I have always struggled with accepting less than I deserve. It stems from a larger issue of feeling less than or unworthy, in more ways than one. As such, I often felt like rejecting others was judgmental and hypocritical. Who was I to deem someone unworthy of me or my time when I was such a mess myself? I also faced a lifelong belief that I needed acceptance from a specific type of people. Essentially “the cool kids”. Most of us go through this in middle/high school, however my inadequacy followed me into my adult years. Unfortunately, these ways of thinking allowed a lot of takers to access my time and energy. People who needed a mental or emotional “pick me up”, and sought it out from another person. People who leeched kindness and love from me and then left when their own tank was full. I often looked back at these people and saw the red flags I had overlooked, however it was far too late and the damage was already done. I had allowed them in and while I knew there were concerns, my misguided hope led me to walk down a path that was destined to fail, so many times (sometimes with the same people). I wanted something real and lasting, and they wanted to feel better. I gave without reserve, and they took without restraint. 

One of the perks to having my heart broken (seemingly) beyond repair was that I built a wall around myself. I pushed away from all things “relationship” and stayed to myself. It was painful, and at times very frightening. I went through many periods of worry that I wouldn’t be able to open my heart to another person, platonically or romantically. I questioned whether my emotional isolation was helpful or harmful. More concerning was the lack of desire to invite people into my life. I had zero interest in dating or even connecting with new people. In a way, I had become cold and calculating. I no longer led with my emotions. My judgment wasn’t clouded by feelings. I saw a person and identified their motives. I said things I wouldn’t have usually said. I was blunt and direct. I no longer acted with my primary concern being someone else’s feelings. Not that I was mean or hurtful. I just saw things in a different light. I gained a sense of clarity that was brand new to me. My energy is precious. Too many people would gladly take it and use it for their own gain. My look back lesson is that I needed to abandon my old way of thinking in order to learn how to discern who is worthy of being in my life. And that is what I gained by closing down the roads to my heart for a while. I will offer kindness to anyone, but I will no longer allow just anyone to be an influence in my life. God helped me pull away from my own self sabotage to give me the ability to protect the very things that make me wonderful and unique in His eyes. The walls I built around my heart are going to keep out the takers. I have control over who I let in, and I finally have the self esteem and fortitude to decline entry to those who seek to harm.

• 2024 was a year that taught me to demand better for myself.

Hope & Trust

As I mentioned, I had a pretty significant heartbreak a while back. The kind that hits you out of left field. No warning or time to take shelter. You’re just left standing in the midst of pure chaos and destruction, disoriented and lost. And alone. There were an innumerable amount of things to overcome and heal from. Forgiveness to be found. Walls to be built. But there was also the loss of hope. I began to doubt that there would ever be a truly lasting relationship in my life. I questioned how I could ever believe that I wouldn’t be abandoned by anyone I let in. How I could trust someone to stay. How I could trust myself. I felt these things in my heart with a certainty that scared me. It was an unshakable feeling. I did not believe that I would ever find love, and I was so beyond certain of it that I was at peace with it. I accepted it as pure fact. I even began to think that my certainty of this was God’s doing. That He was giving me the clarity to see this and accept it b/c a relationship was not in my “plan”. Finding acceptance in being alone is a scary and yet empowering thing. It worried me that I was so at peace with it. I questioned if I had allowed hope to wither away and die. But I also found peace in that acceptance. In my opinion, dating these days has become a hamster wheel of death. You run and run, and you get nowhere. You exhaust yourself chasing the hope of love, and after all your time and energy you find yourself still in the same place… but with bumps and bruises from giving pieces of yourself away. Accepting my solitude meant I stepped off that wheel, and good Lord was it a relief. 

Then I had a conversation with a friend in which I expressed my belief that I would be alone forever. He told me what so many others have so frustratingly said. That I should work on myself and use this time to grow.

[Word of advice to those of you that have tried to comfort your single friends with this nugget of wisdom… it’s not very helpful. We are still lonely and sad. We appreciate you trying to help, but we don’t want to hear that we should take this opportunity to make ourselves better… even if it’s valid and sound advice.]

Then my friend said that I needed to trust in God. My immediate response was “I do.” But then a little voice in my head started asking questions. Was I fully trusting God? I had been operating under the belief that love just wasn’t in my plan… but was my assumption actually a lack of faith? Is the very act of questioning my plan a lack of faith? Trusting God means giving over to His plan and letting go of everything we think should be. My prayers began to shift… First, I started asking Him to show me if I was meant to find someone. He didn’t have to reveal the whole road map to me, but at least let me know if I was hoping for a reason or if my hope was in vain. Then that little voice chimed in again. Here I was, asking God to tell me what to trust. Asking Him to give me what I thought I should have. Still not trusting in Him. Not entirely. 

I won’t say that I have put all my fears to rest. What I have done is find is the belief that God will show me when a person is right for me. He will get my attention. All of the work I have been doing to build walls and filter who gets access to me has been His work. He has been preparing me to become a stronger person, with a foundation rooted in His love. [So yes, I was unconsciously using my time to work on myself, despite my irritation with that “advice”.] I truly believe that God will not let me overlook the person He has made for me. My look back lesson is exactly that. He has helped me grow into someone who will not be distracted or swayed by the unnecessary dating noise of this world. I will not be sidetracked by the unworthy, and I will not stray from my path for the sake of unnecessary approval. I have faith that when He sends someone my way, He will stop me from missing them.

• 2024 was a year in which I felt hopeless enough for my trust in God to waiver, even though I didn’t realize that I wasn’t trusting Him. But like the loving father that He is, He led me back to Him and gave me the perspective and understanding I needed to strengthen my trust in Him and to reignite my hope for a future. 
  

I’m entering 2025 with a different kind of peace. I’m still a mess, and have so many opportunities to improve myself and my faith. But I know, with crystal clear certainty that no matter what I do, God will be with me and He will never turn away from me. I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am exactly who He made me to be. It’s a pretty fantastic feeling, to accept those things and carry them forward with you into each day.

2025, here we come…