Unfettered Faith

Recently, I noticed myself starting to feel distanced from God. I know that He never moved… that the distance I felt was b/c I had moved. Or rather stopped moving. This distance correlated with the general state of my feelings and emotions over the last few months. 

Scared. Anxious. Isolated. Unbalanced.  Furious. Abhorred. Hopeless. Panicked.  

Unreachable. 

I won’t delve into the reason behind these feelings, but I will say that many of the causes were issues that hit very close to home and are directly affecting and threatening my family. 

I could feel the shift in my mood gradually growing stronger and stronger. Yet no matter how many times I tried to tell myself that I couldn’t let things outside of my control affect me, I couldn’t stop this slow-moving boulder. I prayed and tried to console my mind with the reminders that God is with us and will protect us from harm. Yet on and on it rolled. I started feeling like I was failing God. That my faith was waning when it should have been at its strongest. But by the time I’d reached that point, my ability to recover on my own was gone. The amount of fear and anxiety had built up so high that I felt like I was in a cocoon too thick to break out of. Like too many layers had been poured on and I was trapped in a dark and muted place. Most of my days were void of positive emotions and were instead plagued with emptiness and occasional outbursts of frustration and anger. People asked me how they could help, and my simple answer was “I don’t know.” I was apathetic and felt like nothing and no one could pull me back from this precipice of depression. I began to hear things like “I’m worried about you” …and the truth was that I was worried about myself. 

I remember driving home from work a few nights ago, attempting to pray. I had no idea what to say b/c I had no idea what I should ask for. I knew I needed help, but help with what? I finally gave up and simply said “God, I don’t know what I need, but please help me find it.” 

This morning, I got up early to go to church before work like I always do on the weekends that I work. But today felt like I was just going through the motions. Driving to the church, I remember thinking that I was so hollowed out that going to church wasn’t going to help me. The best way I can describe it is that I felt like my entire body was weighed down and heavy. Like I was here, but not here. My ears heard the words other people were saying, and my mouth responded, but my mind was a void. I felt like I could sit and stare into space endlessly, feeling the emptiness and nothingness that was crushing me, completely unmotivated to move. 

Worship started, and while I normally sing, I didn’t during the first song. I stood there feeling disconnected. The second song started, and it was one I recognized. I started to sing along, feeling the nudge to participate. As we reached a midpoint in the song, the worship pastor started speaking, calling out to us to lay down whatever we were carrying and speaking encouraging words of hope and faith. The song continued and I immediately felt my heart open. As if God had reached through the barriers of fear, anxiety, hopelessness, anger, and isolation and pulled me from that darkness. The overwhelming rush of emotion was staggering, and I cried (somewhat sobbed) my way through the remainder of the song. I felt the warmth and hope that I had been so distant from. I was reminded of the absolute certainty that no one and nothing can stand against God. That He has a plan for me and my life and that we are protected by Him against our enemy. That I am saved and loved and forgiven b/c of the amazing love and sacrifice of Jesus. And that no matter how bad things get in this world, I will follow my path with Him. Even if I stumble from it here and there. 

Today was the first day in a while that I have walked into work with a smile and kind words for the people around me. My heart didn’t feel weighed down by immeasurable worry. I felt peace. I felt like myself. 

There are so many things that I want to pull from this whole experience. So many points that can be made. But I’ll focus on these four:

1. Unchecked fear and anxiety will cause a barrier to form around your heart that can block you from feeling God’s love. It can creep up on you before you realize what a strong grip it has on you. 
2. It’s ok to simply pray for help. It’s ok if you don’t understand what you need or can’t find the words to ask for something. Prayers do not need to be eloquently written verses. “God, please help me” can and will get the job done. He knows your heart and your pain. 
3. You are walking into answered prayers every day, even when you don’t feel like you’re moving at all. God gave me exactly what I needed today. He broke through barriers that only He could break… and He did so b/c I “went through the motions” and showed up at church this morning. 
4. No matter how hard you try, you will stray from your path. Your faith will be challenged, and you will have moments of doubt. As much as you want to be perfect, you never will be. BUT… no matter how many times you fall, God will find you and help you stand again. He will lead you back to the point in your path where you strayed and continue walking with you as if you’d never left.