Unfettered Faith

I found myself wondering on my drive home (as I often do) about whether or not I like attention. Historically, I have shied away from it. I’m not a fan of public speaking, I don’t like being in front of crowds, I don’t even like for a small group of people to focus on me for any length of time. Even one on one, I struggle with maintaining a homeostatic body temperature and not sweating bullets if that person is requiring me to talk. Therapy, job interviews, and first dates are a real hoot. I’m talking visible beads of sweat on my face and actual sweat stains where any part of my body touches another. Arm pits, belly rolls, even my southern regions…sweatier than an Olympic athlete training in the Sahara. The right fabrics have become essential to these encounters. Definitely need ones that don’t easily show moisture. 

Anyway, let’s focus up. Do I like attention? You may wonder why I feel the need to ask this question when I just gave you such an eloquent description of how my nervous system betrays me when I must interact with others of my species. 

Well… take a seat and let’s go on a journey. 

My pastor is leaving our church. (If you’re lost, stay with me…I’ll get you there.) He’s not your average preach-on-Sunday-button-down-shirt-and-slacks-ban-dancing-and-rock-music-male that frequently arises in the imagination when one hears the word “pastor”. If anything, he is the antithesis of that image. Wild, atypical, energetic, young, jeans and a t-shirt, boundary pushing, joke telling, sarcastic. I have had the gift and misfortune of him being the only pastor I have ever really known. I am moving soon and need to find a new church, and you can imagine how challenging it will be to follow his act. 

So! He’s leaving, and of course there are a lot of feelings in our church about that. I am sad for the church, but not for myself as we are moving almost precisely when he is. So either way, I would have lost him as a pastor. As I was driving home today (from church, and his final message to our church) I ran through the things I would say to him if I had the chance. Beyond the standard appreciation for his unique methods of drawing people to Christ, I would thank him. For making time for me, for remembering me in a sea of thousands of church goers (yes, thousands), for actually seeing me. In truth, I don’t believe that many people in my life do actually see me. Not beyond the narratives and compilation of traits they have built into a me-shaped box in their minds. So to have someone actually sit down and tell you the things they see in you (not the things they want to see in you) is profoundly moving. He took the time and effort to see through the surface level to the pieces that are hidden underneath. That is a level of human connection that is strongly endangered, borderline extinct these days.

Now, Blaze…why would you want someone to see you when you work so hard to avoid attention? Why would it mean so much for someone to notice you? This made me dig deeper into the rabbit hole and I realized that I do want people to like my posts on social media. I want to be complimented on a new haircut or outfit. But wait…I want attention? Orrrrr…do I want approval? I want people to see the things I am or have or do and reflect approval on them. Why??? Well, because I want to be accepted. I want to be included. I want to matter. And yet… the approval and acceptance I seek…have sought my whole life really…is from the wrong source. I have the acceptance AND approval from the only place that truly matters. Yet this world, this society has been so overpoweringly loud about making His approval feel less meaningful than that of the people around me. Made it feel commonplace and mediocre. Like a whisper lost amongst a cacophony of shouting. 

Be skinnier. Be richer. Be taller. Be nicer. Be younger. Be stronger. Be smarter. Be happier. Be sexier. Be like everyone else.

On and on it goes, and yet…if I were to stop and take a step back from the din, His voice is still there. 

Be the person I created you to be. Be yourself. Be my daughter. Be the light.

I can’t say that I will release myself from the chains of society’s pressure overnight. It has been a lifetime of learned behavior which will also take time to unlearn. I do know that no matter how much I may struggle, God is always right there with me. With His full acceptance of everything I am because of Him, right down to the last hair on my head.