The biggest battle that rages within me is figuring out who I am supposed to be now. No, I don’t mean this in the get-to-know-myself-learn-to-love-who-I-am way. I mean, I do love the things that make me unique, which I guess in a roundabout way contributes to this problem.
So here I am, on this gloriously cryptic journey and I have never been more confused. In the beginning, I very much carried the mindset that I was not going to be like all those other people who suddenly became superior to others because they were now “Christians”. In my mind, that immediate jump from sinner to saint invalidated the actual plausibility of their transformation. My sister suffered a lot of health problems. They were self-inflicted, but ultimately took her life. At one point, I remember her suddenly going to church and spending time with part of her in-law family. She had always detested them because of their attitude of being better than her b/c she wasn’t like them. I wasn’t happy for her, I was offended. I knew who she was, I grew up with her. She was not one of those people. I wasn’t going to be like that, because people would just see it as fake. I would see it as fake. I was going to be who I had always been, but now with a belief I’d never held before. Totally doable, right?
My whole life I have been sarcastic and quick witted. My older sisters got the original blame for this. According to those who have known me since my early childhood, they instilled in me a wonderful sense of snark. They also taught me how to flip a bird, a story my oldest sister will probably never stop telling. My sense of humor is widely ranged from corny dad jokes to dark and twisted. Not the “bodies in graves” kind of dark… more like it would earn a brow raise from the more wholesome members of society. I was raised in a family that had little to no filters (except when it came to expressing actual feelings). I traveled in circles where very little was taboo and very few were offended by the things that were considered scandalous to the classier folks. Then I became an ER nurse, which we will all tell you that there is a dark sense of humor that is almost necessary to be able to thrive in that environment. I like movies like Deadpool (not so much the sequels, though I haven’t seen the most recent). And yet, through all of those indecent building blocks, I still had a big heart and cared far more than I should have for people who took much more than they should have. I wasn’t cruel or malicious. So I carried the notion that I was a “good person”.
I talked about this in another post, but holding onto that stubborn and ignorant mindset is exactly what held me back from growing in my relationship with God. I accepted that some things had to go. But now, as I sit here in the clutter of my life, I am stuck trying to figure out which things should go in the “keep” pile and what needs to be tossed out. Is my sense of humor too un-christianly? Can I still be funny, but just in a PG version? Do I want to? I love my sense of humor, and so does a very large portion of the people whose paths I have crossed. It has not only allowed me to entertain people, but to bond with them. It has helped to calm and heal people when they were so anxious and worried. I am so very good at making people feel better partly b/c of my ability to make them laugh. So that must mean it goes to the “keep” pile, right? Cool, moving on.
I love building people up. Not in a cheesy ain’t-I-so-good kinda way… but in a true, genuine it-makes-me-happy way. So often, we pass by the positive things and only give energy and focus to the negative. When we see a coworker after a few days off, we complain about so and so and that staff meeting and on and on. We do not, however, mention the kind greeting we got from the secretary or the freshly cleaned bathroom. It’s the same with people. We don’t bring attention to someone’s goodness, b/c goodness has come to be expected and so it loses it’s novelty. We don’t tell people that they are kind or smart. We don’t tell them that we are grateful to know them. We don’t tell them that our day is better b/c they are in it. Well… I do. And yes, sometimes people look at me funny and think I’m just being facetious. I get the occasional “ok, what do you want?” or dismissive replies. But more often than not, people are touched. And they walk away with a smile. And whatever was bothering them in that moment before we spoke is now demoted b/c they have a positive moment to focus on. So THAT…. goes on the keep pile.
But what about the movies, TV shows, music, and books that I like? They aren’t all considered “wholesome”. If the things that we consume are so important for the outcome we want spiritually, does that mean I can no longer enjoy those things? Or more specifically, that I should no longer enjoy them? Do I just continue to like them in private, but not publicly? Or do I continue to like them, but also add to them? I can watch movies like Deadpool… but also watch The Chosen. Side note: uh-mazing show! Especially for newbies like me. I completely binge watched, stayed up way later than I should have, and lost count of the number of times I cried. 10/10 recommend. Ok, back to where I was… I can read books for entertainment value, but also make time for the bible. I can listen to the old music I like (b/c I don’t really listen to much of the newer stuff), but also love Christian music as well. In fact, it was Christian music that helped to pull me out of some of my darkest lows, not the music I’d always turned to in the past. So maybe keep… and toss some of the bits that are worn or broken and are no longer serving a purpose?
There have been so many key takeaways that have really resonated with me over the last several years that have helped me in this arena.
- Permission to be you.
- God loves you as you are.
- Be uniquely you.
- Use your gifts to help others.
- There can never be another you.
- Your value is priceless b/c you are unique and one of a kind.
They are super helpful reminders, but there always seems to be conflicting messages. Things you should change or eliminate to be a better Christian. You shouldn’t say this, or talk like them, or participate in that. That goes against God’s word. You should be doing more of this. There will always be noise, and there will absolutely always be ways that I fall short or fail. I am not perfect, but I wouldn’t want to be even if it were possible. What I do (usually) end up reminding myself of is this:
Focus on the good things. The things you do that foster love and grace. When you lose that focus, remind yourself that it’s ok and recenter. And then help other people try to recenter themselves.
As for the rest of it… well, I guess I will just sort through it all bit by bit, until I either find a purpose for it or find a reason to toss it.
